Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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