why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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