Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
