I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
