I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
