Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
