I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
