I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
