This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I came so hard my ears popped.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
