I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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