Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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