Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize