did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
