i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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