Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
