He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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