I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
