Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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