he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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