Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
