That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
