My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
