I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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