I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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