just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
