i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
