when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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