I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
