There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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