It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize