Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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