Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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