I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
