$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I want to have your abortion
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Randomize
