i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
