He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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