This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
