I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
