Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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