I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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