Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
