All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
