Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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