Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
