Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
