why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
