We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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