I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I need to calm my uterus...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
