Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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