Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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