i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
