She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
