Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
