Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
