and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Randomize
