Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
