and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
