Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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