i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
