I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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