I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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