Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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